Finding the Cheat.--Her story

Being the parent of millennials I watched my kids grow up "gaming". We didn't have the full assortment of game systems due to the fact that I wasn't convinced that such past times were conducive to higher thinking but my son did own a game system. So as a parent I picked up some of the "lingo" of how these games worked. One of the things about these games that I learned was the idea of finding "cheats" to help you win the game. It wasn't viewed as a bad thing at all to find a "cheat". It wasn't cheating as much as it was finding a better and quicker way to win. The other thing I learned about these games from watching my son is that one had to know the identity and weakness of the opponent or "monster" that was being fought. The "cheat" helped with that. Cecil and I just got back from the oncological surgeons. We were expecting to be told that it was time to have surgery. In most cases, for standard cancer treatment it would be. But, my surgeon explained to us why she believes it is not. You see we do not know who the monster is. I had a couple of biopsies in the beginning but they were not done well and they were inconclusive. We have been taking the chemo and it has been effective but we are at a point that the Drs. believe that this particular brand of chemo has run it's course of effectiveness. Without the knowledge of the exact genetic make-up of this cancer any follow-up treatment once surgery is performed would still be a shot in the dark. So what are my options? I need a cheat. Fortunately, I am going to get one. Next Wednesday I go back to the clinic to have an outpatient procedure done which will gather tissue to be tested with Genome Testing i.e. Genetic testing.Genetic testing uses laboratory methods to look at your genes, which are the DNA instructions you inherit from your mother and your father. Genetic tests may be used to identify increased risks of health problems, to choose treatments, or to assess responses to treatments. With a look into the genetic mutations of the cancer, my doctors will have a better understanding of the monster as well as a more informed approach to the weapons available to kill this monster. Cecil told me that we needed a closer. In baseball, a pitcher may be pulled from the game around the 8th inning when the team is winning and a new pitcher put in. The new guy is a “closer”. He specializes in a really tricky or very fast pitch that will get the team “3 up and 3 down” and bring the game to a close in the favor of the team. I need a closer. By submitting to the genome testing I am looking to identify the monster and then find just the right closer (treatment) for the job. So another paradigm shift but I am so glad for a medical team that believes in looking for cheats. Yay Team….let’s cheat death!!! This is a journey. As long as I am in this journey I am winning the battle. God won the war.

Hurray for Hollywood, or how I am kicking pain med addiction.

I got some astounding news from my oncologist recently. Cancer is leaving the building. She even gave me the choice of taking a break from the chemo. I decided to damn the torpedoes and go full speed ahead with additional chemo while we have cancer on the run. Additionally, another big decision I made for a very wise reason..( I keep telling myself) was to start weaning myself off the pain-killers that I have been eating like candy. This decision also was concreted by the fact that I had run out of my meds and was forced to go over 12 hours cold turkey and Whoa BABY….that…aint…happening…again!!! So, for the last week I have been taking stuff to make me sleep….therefore skipping one dose while I sleep…CHECK…that’s an easy win. Additionally, I have been cutting the little bitty fun pills in half doses in order to start taking less, again another passive way to cut down. But now comes the hard part. I have to skip a dose during the day, ON PURPOSE!! Yeah…that one is scary. I primed the pump….substitution works….first a healthy dose of about 20 almonds to 1 chocolate because almonds are a good source of magnesium and chocolate is a great substitute for addiction but not so good for anything else. Thus the ratio. Okay…that was a pretty good substitute but it wasn’t enough to take the edge off completely but HELLOOOOO I found the perfect combo for drug addiction therapy AND IT’s LEGAL!!! It’s called Hollywood. WHO KNEW??? Okay…one has to first be a movie lover….which I am ….I love movies as much as I love ellipsis in sentences which my editor husband hates, especially the way I use them indiscriminately and completely incorrectly like a mad woman. He, on the other hand, only watched maybe one movie his entire life from start to finish and it was the movie Walking Tall…the original. That. is. just. sad. So I, YES ,I ALONE, have made it my fifteen year mission in life to introduce him to the magic that is called movies. He is a tough sale. But I am sure he will be finally convinced when he reads these next lines. Hollywood can cure addiction. Yes you read that correctly. It’s kinda ironic really. Hollywood is probably one of the biggest consumers of illicit drugs and while all these monied addicts are going to rehab…and that is great…I have movies. I started movies and ignored the clock. Movie one….some sweats. Movie Two…a little shaky and then I looked at the clock. Did trumpets blow??? Did angels sing?? Nope. But I did make it to the allotted time therefore skipping a dose. I have cancer. But less of it. I have an addiction to pain meds…but I am conquering it. One movie at a time. Thank you Hollywood.

Why I sing--His

Why I sing. Today, I sat two feet from heaven, singing in the sun. The heaven today, as in other days when I sing, is the inspiration that is my wife. While undergoing treatment for cancer, my wife is in as strong a voice as ever and sharing her passion with the world. I'm privileged to sing and share life with her. In the shade we sat for two hours and played and sang to folks who were walking around. Who does that while battling cancer? Those who continue to live. Music is salve for our souls as well as others. Here are a few instances of my wife's impact through music: With Linda singing by my side at a private concert, I've watched a Romanian general brought to tears by our rendition of "Let It Be." At an assisted living facility, I've watched a non-speaking patient start to sing. Today, a little boy stopped in mid gait and turned around and started dancing to our music. Linda handed him a tambourine. Then he insisted on hanging around to do another song and requested the washboard. I once sang with a Grand Ole Opry star who told me that 90 percent of the work of a musician is interacting with people. It's a people job and I watch in amazement as my wife interacts with folks at our gigs. And then I get to sing with Linda.

A change in perspective--His

They say perception is what matters. Perception, however, relies on what other people think.

Perspective comes from within. For the past four months, I’ve begun to live a life of perspective.

The impetus came with the diagnosis of my wife’s Stage 4-B uterine cancer. In the battle with cancer, there are only four numbers—one through four—and the higher the number, the worst the news. To many on the outside, the perception is beyond hopeless. “Just pack it in and move on,” it’ll never get any better.

It was that way with me for two or three weeks into this journey. Then, something happened. Through  prayer, reading and research, I came across something that gave me the right perspective and turned my mind and heart inward instead of outward. Perception erodes under the torrent of perspective.

The starting point came for me when my wife was sitting in a chair and we were crying while we remembered all the wonderful times we’ve had in our 15 years together. “Go get the guitars,” she said. “I want to see if I can sing.” I did, and we made love through music for 45 minutes. My perspective of music changed that day from, “look at me singing” turned into “I’m singing for you.”

Perspective also reveals herself in odd places. I sat outside a bar in a Memphis neighborhood on a hot April day, eating French fries and drinking beer with a friend when she came whistling on the breeze. “You know,” my friend said, “most people don’t realize the power of prayer. When they say, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ it’s more of a platitude than a reality.” My perspective on prayer has become very practical to the point when my wife says she’s hurting, I will pray for her right then and there—and place my hands on her head while I’m doing so.

I suppose the biggest revelation that perspective has given me is the ability to ask for the unseen. In studying the various Bible scriptures on Jesus’ healing miracles, I ran across another perspective: Never did Jesus just go up and heal someone. The miracles were first questions, then answers. “Can you and will you heal me?”  And it is more than okay to admit your wavering belief while sincerely wanting more belief.  Just as it was in scriptures I might also say, “Lord I believe, please help my unbelief.” Mark 9:24

 

 

Today is the first day of the rest of your... --Hers

I am now in month four of CD, (Cancer Diagnosis).   I have had four infusions of chemo, many bottles of  a controlled substance that I am told has a street value of $50 a pill,  I have lost hair, EVERYWHERE...and I am 40 pounds lighter.  The latter is kinda a bonus.   I also know what chemo brain is, and despite the jokes, it is a bummer.  I really don't know why the whole walking around in a fog is attractive to drug users.  I find it frustrating and scary.  Luckily, it doesn't last but a few days.

In the last three months, I have seen my cancer marker numbers reduce down.  (CA-125 Numbers) This is good news!  And time for another mind shift.

Mind Shift one  (1) came when I was diagnosed.   "What do you mean I might die???!!!  Aren't I immortal??!!  Hey this is the South....it is rude to talk about death...especially mine."  

No, I am not immortal and, yes, this is cancer...not the G-Rated cancer, (the type that exists in polite conversation and in fantasy) but the real stuff that kills, and specifically, is trying to kill me!

Now that I am dealing with that on a daily basis...i.e....hair loss, nausea, bone pain, and yes, chemo, there is another shift I must make.

Mind Shift two (2) I may not die--yet.   As crazy as this may seem, this may be an even harder shift.   I was and still am not resigned to the idea of dying, but now that it seems that my odds are getting better, I catch myself making future plans.   And then I chide myself mentally for doing it, but then I chide myself for chiding myself.   I need a new word.    

It is a strange new dynamic.  I am feeling better overall and perhaps am winning this battle but I have not been given a clean bill yet and so, perhaps, it is too soon to be hopeful.  Can I ever be completely hopeful?  

Which leads me to a decision I have to make.  Do I pause my life until I have a better idea of it being longer?  Or,  do I plow ahead without a thought to expiration dates and diagnosis and such. 

There is a third option that I think I will choose.  I have a keener sense of the reality that I may not live to my full 80 odd years.   But then again I might.   One difference that this makes between me and the average person is that I can give a name to my killer and others cannot.   Cancer may kill me eventually.  But I also might step in front of a car or be struck by lightning.    Just like anyone else.

I think however, since I can name my likely killer then each new day comes with more emphasis of not letting a moment slip by without some significance or purpose being squeezed from it all.  I also am taking more time in my relationships.  If a friend needs to talk, I drop things more easily so that we can talk.  Moments should not be missed, and they might be.  

I guess that is why I hate the meds and the brain fuzz of chemo brain.  I don't want anything dulling my senses while I can enjoy my days.    

My body will continue to change and I may actually beat this thing, but my perspective will never be the same again.  I am hoping I will love deeper, speak softer, forgive quicker, laugh, dance and sing like nobody is watching.     

Cha..cha..Cha..Changes ...Turn and face the strange.--Hers

     Yesterday I was determined to put on "my face" as we good ol southern gals call putting on our make-up.  I have just finished my 10 days of YUCK commonly known as nadir following my 4th treatment of Chemo.  I reached my mascara and started to try to apply it and there was nothing happening.  There are no eyelashes left to hold the mascara.   I haven't had thick dark eyelashes since I was younger but I always had some...but no more.  They too have become a victim of my chemo infusions.  At first I was a bit shocked but overall lack of lash is a small concern.   I am thankful that so far I seem to be responding well to chemo.  The doctors were not sure I would.

So I am trying to think of ways to use my make-up so that I don't end up looking like ziggy stardust with no lashes or eyebrows.

I have seen where there are stencils that you can use to draw on your eyelashes.  That might work becuase the last thing I want are scary  Joan Crawford/Bette Davis brows as seen in the old classic  "What ever happened to Baby Jane?".  And my hands are not always the most steady so this could really happen.

I have used fake lashes in the past and they are a bit tricky.  Do they make fake lashes that look more normal then lashes that zigzag or end in sparkly stones?

In the end in may be time for me to stop trying to maintain normal and just embrace the changes, no matter how strange.  The point is....I am alive to embrace ANYTHING....and so I am still in the game.   And I have been told they will grow back.  So maybe I could have a little fun with the whole Ziggy thing.

Ain't nuttin no good?--Hers

In the first couple of weeks after finding out about the cancer.  I went on an information feeding frenzy about food.  Yep,  it seems that many folks feel that you truly are what you eat.  Furthermore, it seems that what the average American eats is the perfect diet to grow cancer!  Fact:  Our diet is killing us by the droves!

I read that sugar feeds cancer.  Sugar is gone from diet...CHECK.  Red meat makes your body more acidic and cancer grows better in an acidic environment.  Red meat gone...CHECK.

As a matter of fact, many believe that a balanced ph or even better slightly alkaline is the best way to fight cancer.  So I looked up food to eat and foods to avoid.  Avocado in,  Cheese out!

Drink apple cider vinegar,  Don't drink milk.  Drink water with lemons in it...DON'T DRINK LEMONADE!  

Do not eat any flour products.    Eat whole plant based food.

Juice ...Juice....juice!!!

So I did it all.  And then it hit me.  I got sick as a dawg!   NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT DETOX!!!

Yep....I detoxed in a big ugly ...very ugly way.  

So I slowed down on the new food introductions and found a happy medium.  And it IS making me feel better.

I have switched to a MOSTLY plant-based diet.  I permit about 10% of white meat but red meat is still off the list.

We go to the farmers market and get fresh organic veggies and that is what I eat most of the time.  I have found that I love greens and lima beans or peas of some sort.  Pinto Beans are da bomb.

Salads are great and I turn to fruit if I need a sweet after a meal.

Here are some of my fav cheats.  Because you have to have a cheat...

Sunday I get chicken.   I am Baptist....of course I get chicken on Sunday!  One piece, preferably a leg.

And I have found these great biscuits (cookies) called digestibles. Only 5 grams of sugar per large cookie so I allow myself a cookie every now and then.

I drink water.  Period.   Oh and I also drink water with baking soda added.  1 teaspoon per 8 oz.

Again in a effort to swing to the alkaline side of things.

I have noticed that I feel better and my body is giving me positive signs that this new change of diet is the right choice.

But I have to tell you...this afternoon I dreamed of a big plate of food that looked soooo good and I wanted it soooo bad but then I was called away from the table and when I came back my food was taken away by the waiter.   Do you think my body was telling my mind....look...you don't need that stuff , NOT EVEN IN YOUR DREAMS!!!