I am now in month four of CD, (Cancer Diagnosis). I have had four infusions of chemo, many bottles of a controlled substance that I am told has a street value of $50 a pill, I have lost hair, EVERYWHERE...and I am 40 pounds lighter. The latter is kinda a bonus. I also know what chemo brain is, and despite the jokes, it is a bummer. I really don't know why the whole walking around in a fog is attractive to drug users. I find it frustrating and scary. Luckily, it doesn't last but a few days.
In the last three months, I have seen my cancer marker numbers reduce down. (CA-125 Numbers) This is good news! And time for another mind shift.
Mind Shift one (1) came when I was diagnosed. "What do you mean I might die???!!! Aren't I immortal??!! Hey this is the South....it is rude to talk about death...especially mine."
No, I am not immortal and, yes, this is cancer...not the G-Rated cancer, (the type that exists in polite conversation and in fantasy) but the real stuff that kills, and specifically, is trying to kill me!
Now that I am dealing with that on a daily basis...i.e....hair loss, nausea, bone pain, and yes, chemo, there is another shift I must make.
Mind Shift two (2) I may not die--yet. As crazy as this may seem, this may be an even harder shift. I was and still am not resigned to the idea of dying, but now that it seems that my odds are getting better, I catch myself making future plans. And then I chide myself mentally for doing it, but then I chide myself for chiding myself. I need a new word.
It is a strange new dynamic. I am feeling better overall and perhaps am winning this battle but I have not been given a clean bill yet and so, perhaps, it is too soon to be hopeful. Can I ever be completely hopeful?
Which leads me to a decision I have to make. Do I pause my life until I have a better idea of it being longer? Or, do I plow ahead without a thought to expiration dates and diagnosis and such.
There is a third option that I think I will choose. I have a keener sense of the reality that I may not live to my full 80 odd years. But then again I might. One difference that this makes between me and the average person is that I can give a name to my killer and others cannot. Cancer may kill me eventually. But I also might step in front of a car or be struck by lightning. Just like anyone else.
I think however, since I can name my likely killer then each new day comes with more emphasis of not letting a moment slip by without some significance or purpose being squeezed from it all. I also am taking more time in my relationships. If a friend needs to talk, I drop things more easily so that we can talk. Moments should not be missed, and they might be.
I guess that is why I hate the meds and the brain fuzz of chemo brain. I don't want anything dulling my senses while I can enjoy my days.
My body will continue to change and I may actually beat this thing, but my perspective will never be the same again. I am hoping I will love deeper, speak softer, forgive quicker, laugh, dance and sing like nobody is watching.
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